THESPIDERMANAGER PRESENTS: HELIOTROPE HOSTILE REVIEWS
With Brian and Zeus
Today’s Topic: Unreleased Sonic Games - Part 2
Hello, everyone. Welcome back to Heliotrope Hostile Reviews
. If you're just joining us, we...we’ve dove headfirst into madness...we’ve discovered a broken reality within the Sonic
universe...and its name...is Sonic Dreams Collection
Zeus: Fuck the recap, we’re just going to get right back into this. We recently played
Sonic Movie Maker. We didn’t get a chance to give our thoughts because...well...Just read Part 1 and see for yourself! But in terms of the game itself, as mentioned earlier, this game is
Garry’s Mod/Source Filmmaker long before it was ever released. You’re given 6 scenarios, each stranger than the last! And your main objective is to...well...make a movie. That’s it. No more, no less.
So now that we got that fucking trip outta the way, Let’s move to what seems to be the final game in the collection; My Roommate Sonic
. Also real quick, while this is the last game; we still have one more game to look at after this one. That of course being Eggman Origin
. We’re just waiting for Tsuneo to get his ass over here so we can get the so-called “Adapter” ready. Sooo yeah; B.Nana, you ready?
B.Nana: *sigh*...As ready as I’ll ever be… T_T-FINAL GAME: MY ROOMMATE SONIC
So, apparently this game is suppose to be an “Autobiographical” game which...explores a human/hedgehog relationsh- Ok! Ok, stop the fucking presses
here! Am I the only one who noticed the Red Flag here - as in, the Sonic ‘06
Zeus: What is all of this?! Was this MJStudio’s true intentions?! To make a freaking collection of
Sonic games that appeal to the darkest niches of the fandom?! Shit doesn’t add up here!
B.Nana: Look, we just went through some ca-razy
nonsense with Sonic Movie Maker
. At this point, I don’t think things can get any weirder - let’s just go in and be done with it!
Fair enough...so here’s My Roommate Sonic
...what could possibly happen here?-6:00 AM-
So like...we’re sitting next to Sonic in an apartment room...he’s watching TV...and Eggman is watching us from the adjacent building telling me to...tickle Sonic…………..You know! I’ve seen some shit in the Sonic
franchise...but never to this extent!
B.Nana: Come on Sonic, let me tickle you!
Zeus: Do it while he’s distracted, you idiot!-6:07 AM-
B.Nana: Oh! Oh! “Go For The Kill!” I gotta go for the kill!!
B.Nana: I dunno! OH WAIT! The feet! That’s another tickle spot! Maybe if I…-B.Nana grabs and pulls on Sonic’s shoe. She successfully revealed Sonic’s horrifyingly realistic human feet...toes and all-
B.Nana: Bingo! I win!...right?
Yeaaaah….Why the fuck does he have human feet?!
B.Nana: Nevermind that! I’m going for it!-6:13 AM-
B.Nana: Uuh Uuuuh UUuuhhh! He’s looking at me!! He’s looking at me!!
Zeus: Stare deeply into his eyes!!
B.Nana: I DON’T WANNA!!! This makes my peel contract!
Come on B.Nana! The quicker you do it, the sooner we can be done with this!
B.Nana: B-BUT THIS IS TOO MUCH, EVEN FOR ME!! I AM NOT HAVING FUN! I AM NOT
NEITHER WERE WE!!! Look...just stare into his eyes...and we’ll see what happens…-6:20 AM-
ALL 3: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
HIS EYES HAVE JOINED TOGETHER AND FORMED A FUCKING VORTEX!!!
Zeus: YOU’VE TAKEN IT TOO FAR, B.NANA!!!
B.Nana: THIS WAS ALL YOUR
WE’RE BEING SUCKED IIIIINNNNN!!-And then...silence…and a headless human floating in a void-
What...what’s going on…?
Zeus: Did...did the world end?...is this the afterlife? ...Are we in limbo?
B.Nana: Wait….are we…...are we….becoming Sonic?-To Brian and Zeus’s horror, B.Nana was correct. The headless human had become a humanized headless Sonic, running through the fields of Green Hill Zone...all while a cellphone comes out of the background, saying “I hope this is what you wanted”...and then it zooms out to a Dreamcast-
B.Nana….turn it off….turn it off….just...just turn off the Dreamcast…
B.Nana: I don’t wanna play this anymore. D’X
Zeus: What...what in the name of triple D-cup titties is this monstrosity…?-On cue, Tsuneo came in-
Tsuneo: Soooooo, having fun there, you guys?
Tsuneo: I’ll take that as a yes.
Tsuneo, what is this nonsense that you let Irene send to B.Nana?!
Tsuneo: Hey, B.Nana likes Sonic; so Irene felt it was only right to send it to her.
B.Nana: Now I wish I didn’t open this thing. ;n;
Look, we need your help. We need some kind of adapter to play some game.
Tsuneo: Ah yes, that. Alright, give me the laptop, I know what to do… By the way, did you all enjoy being birthed by Rouge?
All 3: SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THAT!!!
Tsuneo *trollish smirk behind his mask*: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA!
...If I didn’t know you better, I’d put an Anti-Ether Mine in your favorite chair. As it is...is the adapter thingy working?
Tsuneo: Give me a few.-6:30 AM-
Tsuneo: Aaand done.
Thank you...alright, we’ll take the rest from here.
Zeus: By the way Tsuneo… Irene knew about this thing all along, didn’t she? She knew what this thing was, and manipulated poor Nana into bringing it to us.
Tsuneo: Pretty much...she’s becoming a troll just like me…*sniff* They grow up so fast.
Grrrr...I’m having a long
chat with Irene when this is over…
B.Nana: Look, it doesn’t matter if this was just some trollish scheme by Irene! This is big! Irene found a Conspiracy here! While I suddenly realize why SEGA wouldn’t have allowed this, this still means SEGA tried to hide things from us!
B.Nana...I’m starting to get the feeling that there’s more to this than just the fact of SEGA lying to its fans…
B.Nana: What makes you say that??
Zeus: Well, think about it...this all just seems to go against SEGA’s standards.
Standards? Sonic Boom
Zeus: Not the point. I mean, is Arcane Kids really trying to tell us that SEGA would actually okay something like this?
B.Nana: Well we won’t know until we play Eggman Origin
. This is the last game in the collection that we haven’t played. So maybe some bigger answers lie here! We need to treat this like Ace Dangansona G
and uncover the truth! Come on, guys! We need to reach out the truth!!
Alright, alright fine! Let’s just see what happens in this game, then… So let’s try this again.GAME #2: EGGMAN ORIGIN
Okay, so first of all, to play this game, we apparently need an adapter. But thanks to Tsuneo’s...strange knowledge of this game, we got it working, and now we can get it running. So now let’s see what really is in store for u- Aaand we’re Sonic the Hedgehog with only his head, legs, and feet. Nope. I’m done. I’m done!
That’s it! No! I’m done!
WRAP UP THE REVIEW! IT’S OVER!!!-DISMIS-
Zeus: NO! We’ve gotten this far! We need to continue!
B.Nana: Aaaahh, come on, man!!! More weird?!
Tsuneo: Did you know you can use the Make My Sonic
to change the color of what you’re playing as?
FUCK OFF, NEVERDICK!
Just play the damn game, B.Nana…
B.Nana: Ok..ok...here we go...onward to Eggman Origin!-6:50 AM-
B.Nana: *crying* I DON’T WANNA PLAY THIS ANYMORE! I’M SCARED!!!
Why are you giving a limbless Eggman worms...and why does his neck stretch like that...AND WHY IS HE GETTING BIGGER?! NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE!!!
Zeus: Am I the only one getting a bit of a
Spore vibe from all this?
A moment ago, I would’ve said that Sunky.MPEG
were just as weird as Sonic Dreams Collection,
but this takes the cake, turns it into a Sith Thought Bomb, and blows everything out of the weirdness pool!
Tsuneo: Those were purposeful parodies of Creepypasta, Brian, course those were weird. This on the other hand...
I wanna know right the fuck now...who and where did Irene get
Tsuneo: Get this: Its a Freeware Game made by the same people who made Bubsy 3D: Bubsy Visits the James Turrell Retrospective
, Aka, “Arcane Kids.”
...What?...wait….this game was actually made
by someone else? I thought MJStudios made this game?
Tsuneo:...Brian...go to Google right now and look up “MJStudios.” You will see that there is little to NO information about them in terms of video games. How does that not seem suspicious?-X-Files Theme-
Wait…hang on...this means-
B.Nana: HOOOLY CRABAPPLES! LOOK AT THIS!
What? What is it?!
B.Nana: I-I-I gave Eggman worms, and now I’m on a hill, and s-something is coming out of the g-g-ground! And the noises…the noises!
What is he saying?!
Zeus: Oooooh nooooo...what is going on here?!
B.Nana: I’m gonna investigate this! I need to see what's going on here!-7:05 AM-All 3 look in silent, Tsuneo standing in the background, as Eggman grabs Sonic...and the scene ascends to the skies
All 3: O_O
Eggman: FAREWELL, Sonic The Heghehog-og-og-og-og-og…
Zeus: ..God..In the Sky..?
…..You have 1 Ascensions...what the fuck is this Dark Souls
B.Nana: Aaannd the game is over…Okay, I’m done! *close the laptop* What the fuck?! I can’t believe this! This
is what’s going on in SEGA’s studios?! It’s no wonder they are getting shittier!
Tsuneo: You dense fruit. Didnt you hear us a moment or two ago?
Tsuneo: Can’t you see this game wasn’t even made
by SEGA, but aped through Arcane Kids, creators of other nightmare-inducing gems if you’d do a Google search on that name.
Tsuneo’s right B.Nana.
B.Nana: Wait… Are you saying these games aren’t really
a result of hacker espionage??
B.Nana: Then what the fuck is going on then?!
I know exactly
what’s going now, thanks to Tsuneo. Think about it… An OC generator that’s just recoloring and distorting Sonic’s body while giving him a hilariously overblown name? Disturbing and Sexual Overtones in Sonic Movie Maker
? The forced human x hedgehog plot in My Roommate Sonic
? The transformation of human to hedgehog? And whatever the fuck Eggman Origin
is.... Don’t you see the pieces coming together, B.Nana?
Zeus: You fucking idiot! This game is nothing more than a giant insult to the
Sonic fandom! Presumably the ones on deviantART!
B.Nana: Oooohhh. But why?! Why would Arcane Kids do
something like that?
Tsuneo: Two reasons come to mind. One, it’s just something they do, making “Games you’d want to see on the Dreamcast”. And two, after what we just witnessed in SDC
, and what I can confirm is true of the perceptions of this deranged side of the fandom, they wanted to give the fandom a much-needed kick in the balls.
I think what Arcane Kids was trying to do was basically send a comedic message to the world about what goes on in the Sonic
fandom. With all their Sonic
OCs being nothing more than recolors of existing characters, their forced sexual fanfictions and shippings, their desire to push their strange fetishes by adapting them to the Sonic
franchise, their endless self-insert fics, and - and I just need to repeat myself here - WHATEVER THE FUCK EGGMAN ORIGIN
IS SUPPOSED TO REPRESENT!
Tsuneo: I’ll be honest, even I
don’t know what the fuck that was.
I think it goes without say that Arcane Kids was only trying to take a jab at the dark side of the Sonic
fandom. This isn’t Sonic Dreams Collection
, B.Nana...this is “deviantART: The Game
B.Nana: I think “Sonic Nightmares Collection
” would work just as well.
Zeus: Amen to that. So, the question remains...is this a bad game?
I...really don’t fucking know, Zeus. I don’t know how
to treat this game, knowing that it’s a willful parody of everything wrong with fandoms in general and Sonic
fans in particular.
Tsuneo: To quote someone I look up to: A bad game is one that fails to attain what it strives for.
In that context, I’m surprised to say SDC
is actually a GOOD parody game, in that it succeeded at its objective: Be a jab at the Sonic
Yeah. With all its fucking mind blowing nonsense that’ll make you question life quicker than a glitch in Sonic ‘06
(points if you can get what I’m referencing), Arcane Kids really out did themselves. They made a facade about it being unreleased prototypes.
Tsuneo: And while it appears to be rather slapped together with crazy glue, chewing gum and menstrual blood, it’s still better than most of what they’ve put out before it, taking that quality angle into account.
Zeus: I hope I’m not breaking any new ground here, but this game is a hell of a lot better than
Sonic Boom is and ever will be.
B.Nana: Zoozy, there really is no competition when you try to be better than Sonic Boom…
Tsuneo: Finally, something I can agree about with this fruitcase.
B.Nana: Yay! ^U^
Well then, I guess it settles it: this game isn’t a bad game. It did what it strived to do and it did it with serious panache. I just hope Arcane Kids is prepared for the thousands upon thousands of angry e-mails from the offended Sonic
fans who took this game seriously and interpreted it as some sort of personal attack towards them and their desires...and fetishes...and ships.
Tsuneo: Any troll worth their salt won’t get offended by hate commentary. Especially from a fucked up cabal like the Sonic
Fanbase. It just tells them they did their job well.
Zeus: Yea verily. As we well know, trolls are sustained by the pain of others.
So, I guess with that in mind, Sonic Dreams Collection
review scores from us. As a scathing commentary of the dark underbelly of the Sonic
fandom, we rate it:4 Stars: Parasitic Approval.
Buuuuttt, if we ignore the message and look at the game on its own merits (or lack thereof), we give it a rating of…2 Stars: It’s Poop You Can Play With.Sonic Dreams Collection
: Making You Question Your Life and Loyalties to the Sonic
Fandom better than Sonic ‘06
Anywho, I think that about wraps it up. I’m Sergeant Spider.
Zeus: I’m Zeus.
B.Nana: I’m B.Nana.
Tsuneo: I’m the Neverdead, Spider-Trolling extraordinaire.
B.Nana: And...I think it's safe to say that I’m done with the Sonic
fandom...this game was a trip...but boy did I learn something! I’ll just stick to a superior fandom, like My Little-
Tsuneo: Sweet Apple Massacre
and Cheerilee’s Garden
. Oh, and they are openly fine with drawing porn of adult horses on foals...OH, and the fanbase is completely tainted with Dubstep.
B.Nana: Ok no, fuck that fandom.
You might as well just stick with Sonic
, Nana. I think it goes without saying that nothing
is sacred when it comes to fandoms in general.
Tsuneo: Fanaticism ruins a lot of things. Both with the hands and virgin dicks of the depraved people following the doctrine.
Well, then I guess we can pretty much….call this...a….re….view….wow….why do I feel tired all of a sudden…?
B.Nana: Oh! Looks like the adrenaline is wearing off.
Uuuhhh….Tsuneo...is that a sombrero your wearing, or are you just happee two sea mee?
Tsuneo: ...Yeah, I’m just gonna… *quietly slips out*
Oooohhh...Look at all de pretty colors….*sniff* Mmmm..I smell cookies…..OHGEEZI’MBLACKINGOUT! -Brian immediately keels over and begins snoring, inadvertently squashing a grasshopper in the process. Somewhere, a planet blows up, but nobody cares-
B.Nana: Don’t worry Bri-Bri. UvU I’ll let you sleep in my room till ya wake up! ^U^ And don’t you worry, Spoody, I won’t touch you :3 ……….much.-B.Nana grabs Brian and skips away to her room. Meanwhile, Tsuneo heads back to his room to meet up with Irene-
Irene: So how did it go?
Tsuneo: They reacted exactly as you said they would. Complete and utter shock, fear, and downright pants-pissing madness.
Irene: *laughs hysterically* So
Tsuneo: You know you can be really evil sometimes…
Irene: Who did I get it from, love?
Tsuneo: Exactly.-Cue random trombone music from the Pocket Springtrap in Tsuneo’s coat pocket...which is promptly silenced by the NeverDead pushing its head back down-
Tsuneo: What did I say
about moment-killing, P-Trap?