Today’s Top 10 is dedicated to Nintendo’s president, Satoru Iwata, who passed away on July 11th of 2015. This man has brought us so much hope and love for Nintendo and we wouldn’t have gotten here if it wasn’t for him. He wasn’t just a CEO, but he was a gamer at heart. He understood us. And while a lot of people didn’t agree with how he ran things, we can’t deny what kind of impact he’s left us…
We understand Satoru Iwata…And may you Rest in Peace…
R.I.P. Satoru Iwata: December 6, 1959 – July 11, 2015
Now, on to the Top 10! THESPIDERMANAGER PRESENTS: HELIOTROPE HOSTILE REVIEWS
With Brian and Zeus
Today’s Topic: TOP 10 GAME BOY GAMES
TEN HUT! Hello, my fellow soldiers. I’m Sgt.Spider.
Zeus: And I’m Zeus.
And welcome to another- MOTHA FUCKIN’ TOP TEEEEEEEEENN-AH!
-…wtf was that?!
Zeus: Hehehe, you like it? I installed it myself in your sleep. You see, we needed some spunk to the Top 10, so I added some sick guitar solos and the voice clips of Aerosmith. I think it adds a little spice to our Top 10~
Zeus, while that’s cool and all...this is something that would make more sense if we used it in a music-related review or Top 10. Not to mention that I’d rather not channel a certain loud-mouthed lizard from the Azure Initiative....
Zeus: Aahh, come on Brian! Haven’t you ever heard of “innovation”? Every now and then, you gotta throw something new to the mix to keep it exciting.
...Alright, fine. We’ll try it, just this once. But it better be worth it!
Zeus: Trust me, you will not be disappointed.
Anywho, *ahem* welcome to another--MOTHA FUCKING TOP TEEEEEEEENNNNN-AH!-
….Yea. So its been quite a while and we wanted to bring a Top 10 you guys would seem really interested in. Today’s Top 10 is about a Nintendo product that took the gaming realm by storm...and it ain’t the NES. If you haven’t already guessed by now, I’m talking about the Nintendo Game Boy. -THE NINTENDO GAME BOOOOOOYYYY! ITS SUPAH-DUPAH COOL!-
...Zeus! Come on, man.
Zeus: Trust me on this!
Zeus: But yes, the Nintendo Game Boy is a revolutionary handheld gaming system that answered the age old question: “Can You Game On The Go?”. Given how well it did on the market, not only was
that question answered, but it evolved and then some. You may try and correct us on this until the cows come home, but let’s be real; if it wasn’t for the Nintendo Game Boy, portable gaming wouldn’t even exist. Nor would it have evolved to how it has become. So, to all you Nintendo 3DS owners out there, just remember who it was that brought you here.
Now, the Game Boy most definitely hasn’t withstood the test of time terribly well. Compared to the 3DS and other modern portable gaming devices, it’s about as dated as disco. Still. the Game Boy is something of a nostalgic anomaly. And who better to thank for this machine than Gunpei Yokoi, rightfully known as “The Father of the Game Boy.”-GUNPEI YOKOOOOIII! HE’S A MOTHA-FUCKIN’ BADASS!
Zeus: ...Now, of course, the Game Boy is not one without its faults. While it revolutionized the handheld gaming market, it still had its annoying limitations. For one, it predates the now-ubiquitous chargers, so you had to have an assload of Double AA Batteries locked up in your room somewhere to get any mileage out of playing the Game Boy. And you probably remember how much of an ANNOYANCE it is trying to actually SEE the game. Adjusting the game screen was a nightmare in and of itself. You had to worry about the brightness and of course, getting a closer look at the game to be able to play. It was a mess. And as we mentioned earlier, the graphics and sound are laughably low-quality by modern standards.
But hey, despite that, it was a fresh start to something new. Besides, we aren’t here to talk about the Game Boy and its limitations. We’re here to talk about the important shit. And that’s--THE MOTHA FUCKIN’ GAAAAAAMMMMMEEEEEESSSS!!!-
-I swear to fuck, Zeus!
Zeus: It’ll grow on you, I promise~
So…...yeah. The games. That’s what this Top 10 is for. Today, we are going to be counting down the Top 10 greatest Gameboy Games
...or, at least, what we
believe to be the greatest. You know, now that I mention that, I’d better set some ground rules here. First and foremost, this Top 10 only covers the games we played and grew up with
during the Gameboy Era. Sooooooooo, I’m sorry for all you Pokémon
fans who were expecting the original generation to appear on this list...but they aren’t…….. Man, I sure hope those Anti-Genwunner Flame Shields Pitchmaw installed work as advertised…
Zeus: What was it that he said about those shields again? On how effective they are?
Pitchmaw: Just set these up when you’re reviewing a contentious topic, and you’ll be just fine. The would-be complainers will find it to be a…killer
...deterrent. Eh-heh heh heh heh...best of luck with your review, Sergeant!
Hey, Pitch. If you’re watching this, thanks for the assist, dude! :3 Ahem...also, some of these games may be exclusive to the Game Boy Color, but we’re still counting them since they’re more or less the same system, just with a few fancy new adjustments to accommodate the expanded palette and other things.
Zeus: And of course, these are games that we find worthy to be on this list. So, if for some reason we didn’t list a certain game on this list that you liked, then our Aerosmith voice clip has something to say to you…-TOUGH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!
Zeus: Couldn’t have said it better myself.
<ii>I</i> probably could’ve, but that’s beside the point. We’ll be happy to hear your opinions on the list as long as you respect our opinion on these games! So, without further ado…here are...-THE TOP 10 BEST NINTENDO GAME BOY GAMES--NUMBER 10!-
...It’s fucking Tetris!
Zeus: Come on, you should all have known by now that
Tetris was going to be on this list. It’s one of the very first games that came out for the Game Boy. Hell, it was one of the games PACKAGED with some versions of the Game Boy!
To this day, I have no fucking clue why this game is so damn addictive. For those of you who weren’t born when the Game Boy was a thing, Tetris
is as simple as you can get. Your objective is to manipulate a series of geometric four-piece shapes known as “Tetriminoes” to form lines. When you successfully fill an entire line, it disappears, earning you points. You win a level after you reach a certain amount of points. But watch out - if you fail to make lines and stack up your blocks to the top of the screen, it’s Game Over. And...that’s really about it. Tetris
is nothing more than a pick-up-and-play time-waster. ...And that was all part of the fun.
Zeus: Now, the reason why this game is so low on the list is because it's nothing more than a puzzle game. There really is no sense of adventure or excitement - your only goal is to either last as long as you can while racking up points, or to finish a set number of lines as fast as you can. This is about as deep as your average Ipad game...but hey, it’s still a classic. And you can never beat the classics.-NUMBER 9-
Ladies and Gentleman, Boys and Girls, Monsters and Aliens, Angels and Demons, and so on. Behold! The game that started it all! The game that brought us one of Nintendo’s cutest mascots: Kirby’s Dream Land
!-Round of Applause, women cheering, panties and bras being thrown-
Zeus: Holy shit….The girls really want Kirby’s puffy pink d-Please
do not finish that sentence. Raped childhoods aside, does Kirby even have
Zeus: WWeeeeeellll. I’ve looked through some Rule 34 pics in your sleep while conducting research about a Star Warrior’s body structure. And I’m happy to announce that-
THAT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION, YOU SICK FUCK!
...AND SERIOUSLY?! YOU WERE LOOKING AT KIRBY PORN?! Exactly WHAT research were you even conducting?!
Zeus: If it was possible to have sex in Dream Land when you look like Kirby.
Zeus, do you ever stop to wonder that maybe the only reason those pictures exist is because the Internet is full of horny motherfuckers who want to make anything
possible?RULE 34, BITCHES! YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! *gratuitous pelvic thrusting*
There ya go. For once I agree with the disembodied voice of Aerosmith. But back to the point…Kirby’s Dream Land
was the beginning of one of Nintendo’s flagship franchises, although you’d never know it at the time. Its plot was pretty standard for early Nintendo fare; the greedy King Dedede has stolen all of Dream Land’s food, and it’s up to Kirby to get it back by kicking some royal penguin ass...or whatever Dedede is supposed to be.
Zeus: What made this game different from its peers in the platforming industry was how it completely changed the rules. With the power to inhale most enemies and spit them at others, and the ability to puff himself up and effectively FLY over most obstacles, Kirby immediately set himself apart from fellow video game protagonists of the time. And keep in mind that this was before he even gained his signature Copy Abilities!
But more to the point, these changes DIDN’T stop Kirby’s debut game from being fun as hell, which is honestly the point of any game at the end of the day. And thanks to this game, Nintendo realized that they had something good going on with this lovable pink ball of fun. Even with later games introducing darker elements (most notably with a trend towards creepy, insane, or outright demonic final bosses), the Kirby
series holds a place as one of Nintendo’s brightest, most endearing stars, and it’s all thanks to this humble beginning.
Zeus: Now, the reason why this game isn’t higher on our list is because Nintendo would soon create
Kirby Super Star, a collection of Kirby games for the Super Nintendo.
Kirby’s Dream Land was one of them (under the name “Spring Breeze”), and it got the same treatment
Super Mario Bros got when
Super Mario All-Stars was released. Updated Graphics, Sounds, and Gameplay. Add in the numerous OTHER games in the package, and the original
Kirby’s Dream Land becomes outdated even by the standards of Game Boy games! That’s not to say it’s bad, per se - just not quite stand-out enough to make it past Number 9 on our list.
So Kirby, keep on flying, sucking, and kicking ass! We look forward to what future you have for the Nintendo NX!.................................................Seriously Zeus, I still can’t believe you looked at Kirby Porn.
Zeus: It was for research!....But Brian, the dick they gave Kirby was unreal!! It was about the size of-
AAAAUGH! Right...in the...childhood! T_T-NUMBER 8-
If you haven’t heard of Donkey Kong Country
, there are a few possibilities; you’re either lying, an elementary-school student, or just plain stupid.
Zeus: Now, we can sit here and talk about how
Donkey Kong Country is a kickass gaming franchise and how it had some of the greatest games ever, but we’d be here all day…...so I’d recommend going over to our review of the
Donkey Kong Country TV show to get the full details on that. Because today, we’re not talking about that series...we’re talking about its lesser-known Game Boy counterpart; the
Donkey Kong Landseries.
Yep, the SNES DKC
series was so epic, all three of its games got downsized and ported to the Game Boy for a new generation of would-be croc stompers! However, the Donkey Kong Land
series had one game that really stood out above the rest - And that was the very first installment. SO! The number 8 spot specifically goes to the very first installment: Donkey Kong Land 1
, or just Donkey Kong Land
Now, there’s nothing inherently wrong
with the sequels - they’re very faithful ports of their SNES counterparts, albeit stripped-down a bit for the sake of being Game Boy-friendly. But the thing is that they’re literally just carbon copies of their bigger console brothers - same levels, same bosses, same everything
, really, just moved around a little. The original DKL
made serious, genuine changes to give it a feel all its own - hell, it has a fucking city
world and a few levels where you got to ride a BLIMP!
Zeus: We really need to stress that the wonder here is in Nintendo’s willingness to go the extra mile.
DKL1 could have easily been a straight port of the already-successful
DKC1. But Nintendo was a bit more creative than that! They wanted to start the
Donkey Kong series off right for the Game Boy, so they went with this. And I commend them for it!NINTENDOOOOOH! SMARTEST MOTHAFUCKAS THAT YOU EVAH DID SEEEEE!
Which begs the question...why didn’t they do this for the two other sequels? It just felt like a step backwards...not that its sequels were bad or anything! Like we said, it stayed faithful, but it could have taken a page off of DKL1
and added some identity to it.
Zeus: And on the bright side, future remakes and ports of
Donkey Kong Country actually did try to differentiate themselves a bit from the source material. But that’s for another time - let’s move on, shall we?-NUMBER 7-
The next entry on our list is yet another of Nintendo’s attempts to bring one of their recognizable franchises onto the Game Boy scene. In this case, we’re talking about the second installment of the Metroid
series: Metroid II: Return of Samus
Zeus: Aaah yes, who DOESN’T love Samus Aran? One of Nintendo’s out-and-out badasses, imagine the shock many a player of the classic
Metroid had when the mysterious armored warrior they’d been playing as removed their helmet (and possibly the rest of their armor) to reveal the pixelated form of a smoking-hot woman?
Which reminds me... Zeus, no matter how
many times you ask Pitchmaw, he’s not going to have the Bunker clone Samus Aran and rewire her brain so you can have a grope fest with her.
Zeus: ...You know damn well Pitchmaw would actually say yes to that if I paid him for something in return. I just haven’t thought of what he would want in return.
Well, despite that, I refuse to let you do it. Samus has the same kind of attitude as Irene does - if you cross her, your ass will be unrecognizable to anyone you know. Just ask every poor sap she’s fought...oh wait, you can’t! Because they’ve been blown to Hell and back!DENIIIIIIIIIIIED!!! *demonic shrieking*
fuck you too, Aerosmith voice.
Now then, back to the game. In Metroid II
, Samus heads to the planet SR388 to exterminate the last remaining Metroids due to the threat they pose to the galaxy. On arrival, you’ll travel through different sections of this planet as you battle types of alien life. Samus has a detector that displays the number of Metroids remaining in the area. Once all the creatures are eliminated, an earthquake occurs and the planet's lava levels decrease, allowing Samus to travel deeper through its tunnels. The Metroids are encountered in different stages of their development cycle: Infant (the original), Alpha, Gamma, Zeta, and Omega. The more developed the Metroid, the stronger its attack and the more punishment it can take.
Zeus:This game has different sorts of weapons and powerups, including the debut of the Spazer Beam, and the Plasma Beam.
Metroid II also features the Space Jump, a new suit enhancement that allows Samus to jump infinitely and access otherwise unreachable areas. Also making their debut are the Spider Ball and Spring Ball.
Now while this game was rather cool and fun for its time, it was sadly considered as one of the weakest installments to the Metroid
series. And to be fair, it had its fair share of problems. The graphics were a bit disappointing and felt a little repetitive, but one of the biggest problems I had with this game was the beam switching mechanic. Now, this wouldn't be a problem if switching them was simple with just a push of a button like in the first two Metroid Prime
games...but here? You have to physically
switch between them by returning to where they are first found. So you mean to tell me that you have to go AAAALLLL the way back to where you first found you one beam to switch from that? There's really no point to it.
Zeus: Though to be fair, the game really isn’t all that bad. Sure it had its hiccups, but it was still a worthy title to own for the Game Boy. It was Metroid’s first handheld game, and dammit they pulled it off well. If anything, it was a better attempt than what
Metroid Prime: Hunters did, that’s for fucking sure!
was actually a good game!
Zeus: Oh, it
is a good game…………….except for its obnoxious handling and controls! But hey, that’s for another review.-NUMBER 6-
The Legend of Zelda
series includes many great games, and their additions to the Gameboy era were no exception. One of these games I’d like to touch upon is what I deem to be a very innovative game for its time...But it’s not just one game. It’s actually TWO.
Zeus: Yes, mortals,
Pokémon wasn’t the only series to get mileage outta making parallel versions of the same story. At this spot in the countdown, we have the
Zelda take on the concept: Oracle of Ages and Oracle of Seasons
On the surface, these Game Boy Color games seem to be your run-of-the-mill top-down Zelda
classics. However, these games did something Mass Effect
would do many years later: allow you to begin one game with the progress you’ve made in the other. Depending on which game you play first, be it Ages
, beating one and then playing the other will earn you a few bonuses and secrets that will help you in your journey on the next game.
Zeus: We’ll also point out that these games both have unique plots...even though the basics are essentially the same. Both feature Link teaming up with a pretty little lady (Nayru/Din) to use a plot-significant item (the Harp of Ages/Rod of Seasons) to find several magic thingamabobs (Essences of Time/Essences of Nature) to stop a new villain (Veran/Onox) from spreading chaos and suffering over a new land (Labrynna/Holodrum).
What’s cool is that the gameplay in both games is somewhat different; Ages
puts more emphasis on puzzles, while Seasons
has more focus on combat. Not only that, both games have a little gimmick that involves manipulating certain elements of time. Ages
has you going back in time while Seasons
has you changing..well..the seasons. In both cases, you can use your powers to locate new dungeons and solve puzzles.
Zeus: However, the game loses a few points with me because of the big reveal at the end, which you can only access by completing both games via the aforementioned linked-story function. Spoiler alert - you WON’T be surprised to find out who’s really behind all this madness...well, you
might, but I doubt it.
But hey, it’s still a great game despite this fact.
Zeus: It is. I’m just disappointed that all that storyline led to such a cheap twist...and also that Veran and Onox never returned in the
Zelda series. Seriously - one’s a demonic sorceress with a great rack, and the other’s a golden knight who turns into a fucking DRAGON!......Aw hell, now I can’t look at Irene or Pitchmaw for a while...-NUMBER 5-
If there’s one thing we know from our years of gaming, it’s this: you can’t have a Nintendo-related console without Nintendo’s number-one mascot, Mario. So, what was Mario’s first step towards the handheld gaming realm? Isn’t it obvious? Super Mario Land
Zeus: You may be noticing a trend here. Nintendo had an odd tendency to slap “Land” on the end of their franchises when making a Game Boy game for them. No idea why, but it’s neat to point out.
Here’s the shocking thing about this game, though. Most Mario
games were developed under the supervision of Shigeru Miyamoto...but not this one! This was the very first Mario
game that Miyamoto had no hand in...and it shows.
Zeus: The plot is familiar - save the princess from the forces of evil - but the players and stage are quite different. Instead of the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario travels through a place called Sarasaland, which is under attack by the evil alien, Tatanga. He’s brainwashed the people of Sarasaland’s four kingdoms, and kidnapped Princess Daisy to be his bride...are you a bad enough plumber to kick his ass back to space and save everyone?
This game is quite an oddity in of itself, and that’s something you’d never hear when you talk about a Mario
game. While the gameplay still feels like a classic 2D platformer, it still feels really different. You get to do things that you would never see yourself doing in other Mario
games, like piloting a submarine or a plane! And its music...Mmph! Its soundtrack is so fucking catchy,
especially this familiar gem~!www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gb33Qn…
If I could make that the ringtone for my phone, I would! It is that
catchy and addictive!BOOP BOOP BOO-BOOOOP! BA-DA-DA-DA DA-DA-DA-DA-DAAEEEEELLLLDEEELDELEEEEEEE!!! WRRRRRYYYYYY!!!
If that disembodied voice mangles any more of my childhood soundtrack, I’m drawing it a throat just so I can rip it out!
Zeus: The game is relatively short, with only three levels in each of its four worlds. It’s about standard for a portable game like this (particularly one without a save function), so it doesn’t detract from the game’s overall fun experience. Why, then, is it so low on the list? Weeeelll...stick around for the rest and you’ll find out soon. For now, let’s move on.
Can we listen to that song one more time?
Zeus: After the Top 10.-NUMBER 4-
Before we talk about our next game, we need to talk about one of Nintendo’s obscured heroes in the Marioverse. A man whose deeds rival Mario’s; a man who has taken on armies, demons, and all sorts of strange and terrible things; a man who is defined by his strength, his cunning...and his overwhelming greed.
Zeus: A man who, for some odd reason, has no problem bragging about his own disgusting odor. He’s the “hero” with the upside-down M, Wario, and he’s the star of our next game: Super Mario Land 3. Or, as it’s more commonly known…Wario Land.HIS NAME IS WARRRIIIIOOOOO!!! HE’S A GREEDY MOTHA FUCKAAAAAAH!!
At the time of its release, this game could easily be seen as a parody of the standard Nintendo platformer, with similar mechanics but a VASTLY different plot. Instead of heroism, romance, or even basic human decency, Wario is motivated by one thing and one thing alone - straight-up greed
. He’s hellbent on gaining a castle of his own, and he figures he can do it by selling a HUGE (and I mean HUGE
) golden statue of Princess Peach. Only problem; said statue is in the possession of the Brown Sugar Pirates, led by the mysterious yet fearsome Captain Syrup. Needless to say, much asskicking ensues.
Zeus: This game plays quite differently from a traditional
Mario game. In this game, you travel to different parts of Kitchen Island, using your strength and ingenuity to find branching paths with coins and treasure. Wario’s basic skill is his shoulder tackle, but you also obtain different powerups that allow you to do ground pounds, hover, breath fire, and shoulder tackle in the air. The last of which, by the way, is frickin’ broken as hell for getting through the levels...not so much for actually finding treasure, though.
For a game that feels like Mario
and yet doesn’t star him, Wario Land
is pretty kick-ass! It takes Mario and it piledrives it like Mike Haggar at Metro City...straight into a bag of coins! This is a worthy game to own for your Game Boy.
Zeus: But, of course, this game would feature one of my many gripes about the
Wario series...all of their adventure games are relatively short. I guess it’s trying to do the opposite of </i>Mario, where their games are much longer...and I guess it works...but it's still a major bummer. But then again, reviewers no longer detract points for a game’s length……..well…..apart from
Ground Zero, but you know...WA-RI-OOO! FUCK YEAH!!! KICKING PIRATE ASS AND STEALING ALL THEIR TREA-SURE!!!
...Riiiight. Moving on now!-NUMBER 3-
Now, while we previously said that Oracle of Ages
and Oracle of Seasons
were really good entries in the Zelda
series, there’s another game in the franchise that eclipses even them. And guess what? It’s still on the Game Boy, so we get to talk about it now!
Zeus: Imagine, if you will, being lost at sea on a rickety old boat. Bad enough as is, but then a storm decides to show up and toss you around! When you wake up from your pain/terror/drowning-induced slumber, you find yourself on the shores of a mysterious island. That, dear mortals, is...the plot of many a
Cast Away ripoff, but ALSO the opening to our next game on the list: The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening
The plot of this game is seriously crazy...and surprisingly sad! Now...I’m going to explain that story, but for your sake...Disembodied Voice of Aerosmith?YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, CAUSE WE’RE GOING INTO SPOOIILLLEERS! YEAAAH!!!!
Thank you. Now then…Link discovers that he’s stuck on the island of Koholint, and the only way out is to awaken a being known as the Wind Fish. To do that, he needs to play the “Ballad of the Wind Fish”, but to do that
, he needs the Instruments of the Sirens, which are - to no one’s surprise - hidden in the deepest, darkest dungeons of the island and guarded by a host of nasty creatures.
Zeus: As you progress in the game, several characters (including a friendly owl and several of the bosses) tell you in so many words that the entire island is nothing more than a dream of the Wind Fish - the monsters you’re fighting are manifestations of the oversized seafood special’s nightmares. If Link was to wake the Wind Fish up, Koholint and its inhabitants will fade away - basically, your freedom comes at the cost of everyone else’s lives! It’s...kinda sad when you think about it. On the plus side, the whole “everything was nothing more than a dream” plot was done fairly well. HEY,
SUPER MARIO BROS. 2! TAKE NOTES!!!QUICK DISCLAIMEEEERRRR: SUPER MARIO BROS 2 IS AN AWESOME GAME, BUT ITS PLOT WAS RATHER BOTCHED AND STUPIIIIIIIIIID! YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA YEAAAAAAHHH!!! *sounds of faces being torn off*
While the game doesn’t utilize the same cool mechanic that the Oracle
games used, there’s nothing wrong with sticking with the basics. Link’s Awakening
kept to the Link to the Past
formula (fitting, as it is canonically the sequel to that game) and gave it some flow and enjoyment.
Zeus: What makes this game so cool is that in some segments of the game, mostly in dungeons, you can shift from the traditional top-down gameplay to a 2D platformer style. It gives this game a lot more soul. Though, there’s just something that bothers me about this game. The 2D segments of this game feature too many enemies that hailed from the
Mario series! I’m talking Goombas, Cheep Cheeps, and even Piranha Plants! Nintendo, is there something you aren’t telling us here about Koholint Island? Either the Wind Fish is an avid
Mario fan, or he’s been on the
other kind of magic mushroom...
Potential fan theories/conspiracies aside, Link’s Awakening
is a literally a Dream Come True
for Game Boy owners everywhere. Ooooh, you know what would be really cool? If Nintendo did a 3DS remake of Link’s Awakening!!
Zeus: Pssshhh, only in your little dream world, Brian.
Hey, a man can dream, can’t he?
Zeus: Okay let’s stop with the dream jokes. They are starting to become a nightmare…. Hehehe, see what I did there?-NUMBER 2-
Do us a favor and scroll back up to Number 4. Remember how we said Wario is a greedy motherfucker who wants a castle of his own, no matter the cost? Well…the events of Wario Land
were actually his backup plan - originally, he figured he’d just save himself the trouble and steal someone else’s digs.
Zeus: Now, that’s actually a clever idea, given how badass Wario turns out to be. Unfortunately, his target of choice is the one man even MORE badass than he is: none other than good ol’ Mario! Which leads us to this game: Super Mario Land 2: Six Golden Coins.
Remember how we were going to explain why Super Mario Land
was so low on the list? Well, it's because of this
game. Super Mario Land 2
took everything that we knew about Super Mario Land
and threw it out the window! It adds new flavors to an already tasty delicious buffet.
Zeus: It also reveals Mario to be a lot more pimped-out than we thought. Seriously, not only does he have his own castle, he has his own ISLAND! Complete with a statue of himself that doubles as a freaky factory/mecha.
This game has you traversing a giant tree, a haunted mansion inside a giant pumpkin, a...not-so-haunted mansion that somehow shrinks you the size of an ant, the aforementioned giant robotic version of you, a turtle-shaped island in the ocean, and space!!...SPAAACEE!!SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCEEEE!!!!
Zeus: Some how, I feel the Space Core will be very angry that you are stealing his thunder.I DIDN’T MEAN IIIIIIITTTTT! I APOLOGIZE-ZAH! *smashes a box of fluffy things with a chainsaw*
Zeus: Riiight. Now this game features two major power-ups. The Fire-Flower and The Bunny Hat. You know the deal with the Fire-Flower. But the Bunny Hat is an entirely new power-up (albeit with precedents, like the Raccoon Suit and the Cape). This powerup allows you to glide down the level, helping you traverse any dangerous obstacles.
Now, the objective of this game is simple. You need to travel through the 6 different worlds and defeat the boss at the end of each. Every boss gives up one of the titular 6 golden coins, which are needed to open his repossessed castle and face Wario in battle..
Zeus: Wait a minute…..6 Worlds….6 Bosses….6 Coins…. 6…6…
6!</b> HOLY SHIT!!! NINTENDO IS IN CAHOOTS WITH SATAN!!! THE
MARIO SERIES IS A CREATION OF THE DEVIL HIMSELF!............said no one ever.
I wouldn’t be so quick to judge, Zeus -_-;;;
Zeus: Yeeaahh...good point. Fuck you, Jack Thompson.
Anyways, this game is a blast to play. The mechanics are smooth, the graphics look better than ever, and of course, this game is not without its addicting catchy music! Like this one!!www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lhbYW…
So, obviously, this game is a big improvement on its predecessor, but why do we like it more than the sequel? Well, it’s because it lacks the sequel’s biggest problem; Wario Land
felt really floaty. And let’s be clear; floaty + platforming = not a good time. This one, however, tones it down and makes it more tolerable. So good on ya, SML2
Alright, its time for our number one! But first, let’s do a recap!RECAAAP! YEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Number 10: Blocks! Blocks! So many blocks!
Zeus Number 9: Kirby packs one GIANT package!!
ZEUUUS! STOP ATTACKING MY CHILDHOOD!!! (Kirby’s Dreamland
) Ahem, anyways...
Number 8: OOOOHH, BANANA! IN BLACK AND WHITE! (Donkey Kong Land
Zeus: Number 7: Be vewy vewy quiet. I’m hunting Metroids.
(Metroid II: Return of Samus
Number 6: Two worlds, two oracles, one epic story! (The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Ages/Seasons
Zeus Number 5: And if you look to your left, you will find Mario stomping on a sentient Moai creature.
(Super Mario Land
Number 4: It’s-a me...WARIO! WAA-HAA-HAA! (Wario Land: Super Mario Land 3
Zeus Number 3: It’s all in your mind...suck it,
(The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening
Number 2: SUPER MARIO LAND 2
....EXCEPT IT'S NOT!! (Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins
And now, without further ado…-NUMBER 1-
Before I reveal what our favorite Game Boy game is, allow me to tell you a story. When I was but a little kid, I first got my hands on this game when I went to my mom’s friend’s house. When I first saw what this game...I was...rather disappointed. I saw this game and said, “Oh...it’s just a port to the classic Arcade game…” But I decided to just play it anyway, ‘cause I was bored and had nothing to do. So I played it. And I reached 100m and beat what I thought was the final boss, but while I was just waiting for the credits to roll……………
DONKEY KONG GETS UP AND STEALS PAULINA (again)!
To which I was like, "WHOOOOOAAA!!!" And just like that, the game turned into a whole new ballgame! Ladies, gentlemen, kids, and transgenders, you’ve just heard the essence of what makes Donkey Kong ‘94
so damn good.
Zeus: Also known as “Game Boy Donkey Kong”,
Donkey Kong ‘94 was one of those games that blew our expectations out the fucking water. It starts as a faithful port of the classic arcade, but it turns into something much much more! After seemingly defeating Donkey Kong in the 100m section of the construction site, the meat of the game begins. Now you have to pass through 9 different worlds as you chase that overgrown gorilla through dozens of levels that require a lot of puzzle-solving skills.
You’ll be doing things like using a hammer, taking a page off Super Mario Bros. 2
(read: picking enemies up and throwing them), creating blocks and ladders to reach places you couldn’t reach, triple jumps, back flips, etc. All of these skills and more are required if you wanna beat this game.
Zeus: Oh and don’t think you’ll be blazing through this game like some pro. The game gets harder with ever world progression. In addition to hordes of enemies and DK himself, you’ll have to contend with his son, Donkey Kong Jr, along the way! Yes, the game even throws the protagonist of the original arcade game’s sequel at you!
I honestly can’t say enough about this game’s virtues. It’s original, fun as hell, and very well could have inspired the classic 3D Mario
platformers that would take the stage with Super Mario 64
! Seriously, look at Mario’s moves in DK’94
and tell me that doesn’t look like the beginning of the jumping stunts he uses in later games!
Zeus: Here’s one final fun fact. Did you know that this game is also the predecessor to the stand-alone
Mario vs. Donkey Kong series - now better known for its use of the Mini-Marios? Yes, that makes
two separate branches of the Marioverse that owe their existence to this game.
And to top it all off, you get an epic
homage to the material that may have inspired the original Donkey Kong
if you make it to the end of this game. After ascending a massive tower and seemingly defeating Donkey Kong for the final time, he grabs a bunch of Super Mushrooms and becomes a frickin’ enormous
version of himself! And you have to kick his oversized ass one last time (or rather, three
times) before he finally gives up for good. And, naturally, there’s kickass music to set the mood; check it out here:www.youtube.com/watch?v=OoC14D…
Ahh...good times. Gooood times. So, in summary…Donkey Kong ‘94
is awesome, and you should play it. If you didn’t get the chance...HA! Suckers! You missed a hell of a good one.
Zeus: And there you have it, mortals. This concludes another successful Top 10.TOP 10 COMPLETEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED! RRREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHRRRR!!!!!!!
As always folks, we thank you for the love and support and if YOU have any Game Boy Games that you love and we didn’t mention, please tell us on the comments below. And please, keep it civil. So on that note, I’m Sgt.Spider.
Zeus: I’m Zeus.
And we’ll see you next time on Heliotrope Hostile Reviews! This is Sgt. Spider, and you are all…
Zeus: Play us out, Disembodied Voice of Aerosmith!BAH BAH-BAH-BAH BAAH BEEOOOOOWWWWW!!!! *rips off a random guy’s arms and beats two other guys to death with them while playing an epic riff*
...God dammit! He just ruined my DK’94
memories! ...Zeus, I’ve made up my mind...it’s not staying <_<
.Zeus: Eh, I had a feeling you wouldn’t like it. Ah well, back to the drawing board. I’ll try something
much better! Trust me, you’ll love it.
We shall see...anywho, put that on hold Zeus.
Zeus: ....?...........Oh! It is?!
Yep...it’s time to finally put an end to our recurring nightmares. Let’s kill the clown...one last time…-DISMISSED, FOR REAL THIS TIME-In Memory of Satoru Iwata...