Long ago...well, not really, but go with it...there existed a hybrid creature. His name was Brian - better known as “Sgt. Spider” by most - and he was accompanied by a parasite, named Zeus. Throughout their life, these two took an oath to review a wide assortment of video games, movies, and other things that caught their interest. For the longest time, the duo churned out a lot of content for their viewers. They were on a roll...but it wasn’t to last...One day, Brian and Zeus’s “secret admirer” (see the
Way of the Warrior review: thespidermanager.deviantart.co… ) issued them a challenge. They weren’t going to review something from the (relatively) distant past, but something very recent. A game loved by many; a game praised for its story, characters, etc. That game….was Undertale
Brian was rather nervous about the challenge. He had never played this game before, having only heard the stories...the praise...the overwhelming positivity. He didn’t know if he was capable of reviewing such a monumental tale - he didn’t even own the game.
But thanks to his generous - and yet spider-trolling - friend, Tsuneo, Brian was now able to play the game for the first time…… Unfortunately...he did it blindly, with neither help nor sense of direction. It was a decision that the hapless Hostile Spider-Bunny would regret deeply…
Having seemingly gathered all the information on </i>Undertale, Brian and Zeus conducted their review and presented it to the world…...Needless to say…...the public was none too happy…
This is where our story/review begins…HELIOTROPE HOSTILE REVIEWSWe begin with Brian and Zeus, who were on the phone with Tsuneo. After the horrible backlash from his last review, Brian called the one who bought him the game for answers.
Brian: WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
“THERE WAS MORE TO THIS GAME?!”
Tsuneo: You saw how the game played out - it practically begged
you for mercy, and you showed it none.
Brian: I was just going by the conventional rules of RPGs!!! “Explore the world, defeat enemies, gain experience, beat the bosses, beat the game!” That’s how it's been all the time
with RPGs!! And now it's suddenly wrong?!
Tsuneo: Well maybe if you paid attention when you played, you’d see what the whole message of the game was about. I specifically told you to wait Brian. You, me, and Irene could have enjoyed your first experience with the game together. You just couldn’t wait,
Zeus: Ironic that you’re saying that, since you’ve, at times, chastised him for being slow.
Brian: Well, I’m in deep shit now, Tsuneo. Because of my review, I’ve been getting bombarded with hate! I’ve lost fans left and right!
Tsuneo: How bad is it?
Brian: Bad?! Try catastrophic!!!
Hang on, I’m sending you a text document that contains all of the worst comments I’ve gotten.Within seconds, Brian sent Tsuneo a notepad that contains some of the worst and hateful comments Brian had ever received
Tsuneo: Alright, let’s see…
Comment #1: You didn’t play the fucking game right! I can’t believe you!
Comment #2: Welp, that’s the last I’m ever seeing this fucker’s reviews. Who’s with me?
Death Threat #1: I will
find you! And when I do, I will rip your spider legs off and shove them down your throat!!
Comment #3: YOU FUCKING IDIOT!
Comment #4: You are such a fucking Gouchycase! Quit the reviewing business, you fucking joke.
Death Threat #2: Throw him out the airlock.
Comment #5: Hashtag: Worst Reviewer Ever!
MLG Comment #1: git gud m8.
Comment #6: YOU FOOL!!!!!
Comment #7: I’m sorry, Brian...but I’m afraid this is where we must part ways...I cannot condone such blatant foolishness on a game like this. Good luck with your future endeavours. Also, fuck you.
Death Threat #3-11: Kill yourself, or I’ll do it for you.
MLG Comment #2: u is major scrublord! haxxor420usukblaze!
Comment #8: Dear Brian… I loved
this review! Membership to my club has DODECA-QUINTUPLED ever since you posted that thing - I owe you a biiiig
thank-you card! So don’t despair, no matter who rips into you - save it for when we WIPE OUT YOUR WORLD!!! Nyah har hee heh hack haaaa! - Your best friend, Nevic.
Tsuneo: ...Well, shit. This is about half
of what you endure from me daily.
Brian: I know, right?! Someone called me a Gouchycase! Like… What the fuck is
Zeus: Well, Brian… “Gouchycase” came from the word “Gouch” which means-
Brian: NEVERMIND! I DON’T WANNA KNOW!!
Zeus: Listen Tsuneo, I know you couldn’t give two shits about getting negative comments from random strangers and all; but you have to admit, this is getting ridiculous.
Tsuneo: Well...as much as I do not condone lethal violence against the people I actually give a damn about, I’m gonna have to play devil’s advocate and say...can you honestly blame
Brian: Dude! If I had known, I could have avoided this! Uuugh!! I’ve lost so many fans, and my viewer count is at an all-time low! This is pretty much the end of Heliotrope Reviews
...I’m finished! My reputation is ruined…
Tsuneo: Hey now, it's not all bad.
Brian: What do you mean, “It’s not all bad?!” I’m considered scum to everyone who saw my Undertale
review! And I’m pretty sure this will be spread to other people! So please Tsuneo, I’m DYING to know. Where is the silver lining in all this?
Tsuneo: Maybe now you’ll stop being so lazy and finish your comics.
Brian:.......Tsuneo...I’m going to take a quote from a certain disgusting demon when I say these two brilliant words…..FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!
Zeus: Well, it’s hopeless now. We can’t undo what we’ve done...
Brian: Yyyep..... Unless….OUO!!
Tsuneo: Gods dammit, Brian...this better not be another hare-brained scheme.
Brian: No no no no! Listen! It’s perfect! You know how Undertale
talks about “resetting” and all that shit? Weeelll, I’m pretty sure we can do that too! It’s simple! All I have to do is reset the world to the point where I begin the review, do it again the right
way, and bam! No one will be any the wiser~
Tsuneo: ...And how in Arceus’s name do you plan on doing that?
Brian: Hahaha... Oooh Tsuneo, you silly Ether wielding dummy. UvU Don’t you remember that anything is possible, so long as you have magic on your side? ;D
Zeus: ....That was quite possibly the gayest fucking thing you’ve ever-
Brian: Pencil Magic that is!
Zeus: Couldn’t you just do what normal people would do? Like...Time Travel!? Seriously, That’s
Undertale in a fucking nutshell: one big
Back To The Future plot!
Tsuneo: ...You know I’m recording this call just to get dirt on you later, right? >w>
Zeus: You say it as if I give a damn what those mindless mortals think.
Brian: Don’t worry, Zeus. UvU Soon our troubles will be over. Like I said, a simple reset and the hate will never have existed~!
Tsuneo: ...Boy, are you gonna be surprised.
Brian: Oh, what is it now,
Tsuneo: Dude, it doesn’t take fucking rocket science to know that you are about to tamper with something that shouldn’t be fucked with.
Brian: Blah blah blah, that’s what they said about Kryptonite. And look what happened - I managed to walk it off!
Tsuneo: ...Brian, surviving the radiation of a glowing green rock does not translate to resetting reality.
Brian: Well, if YOOUUUU have any better ideas, by all means, share them with me.
Tsuneo: Like I said, your com-
Brian: BORED NOW! I’m resetting!
Tsuneo *switches Vocal Cipher*: ...don’t say I didn’t warn you.Brian ignored Tsuneo’s changed voice to focus on the “Mass Reset” button he’d drawn during the conversation. Zeus growled nervously as Brian got ready to press the button.
Zeus: Uuhh...Brian...I think I’m with Tsuneo on this one...I think you should probably reconsider...
Brian: Oooh, come on. What could possibly
Tsuneo and Zeus: YOU FUCKING IDI-!!!*CLICK*
.Long ago...well, not really, but go with it...there existed a hybrid creature. His name was Brian - better known as “Sgt. Spider” by most - and he was accompanied by-
Brian: Skip that shit! ...Hahahaha! It worked! Look, Zeus! We’re back in our office~!
Zeus: Huh….it actually worked…
Brian: And Zeus, check it out!Brian pointed to the laptop, which displayed a schedule titled “Upcoming Reviews/Projects”. On said list, the entry titled “
Undertale Review” was highlighted in purple.
Zeus: Well, I’ll be ripped out from the still-beating heart...that shit actually worked…
Brian: Hahaha, See? I told you~ Anything is possible.
Zeus: ...Wait a minute...how do we still remember what happened? Doesn’t the term “Reset” mean everything has to start all-over? Including the memories?
Brian: Pssh...Zeus, gimme some credit! You think I’d make a reality-resetting button without rigging it to leave us unaffected? That’d completely ruin the point of this whole thing! But don’t worry - that’s the only
change we’ll see he-The words had barely left Brian’s mouth when his computer screen filled with static. After a moment, it returned to normal, save for one change; a cartoon flower with a smiling face at the center of its petals now sat in front of Brian’s schedule.
Talking Flower: Howdy! I see you, you hybrid rascal~
Brian: ? ...Uuhhh, Zeus? Did I...ever install a…Flower
Zeus: Uuhhh...not that I remem- Wait a fucking minute...that flower…!!!
Talking Flower: Hee hee hee...that’s riiiight! I’m Flowey! Flowey the Flower! And I noticed you reset the timeline~!
Brian: ...Uuhh...yeah? Yeah, I did. What’s it to you?
Flowey: Oh, nothing much…but I know why
you did it~ ...You regretted everything that transpired over that last session, this last…”review” of yours.Flowey’s face gained a smug expression as he somehow opened the list of hateful comments in a Notepad.
Zeus: What the fuck?! That’s the list of hate we got!! How did you-
Flowey: Golly, you sound surprised! Did you really
think you were above consequences!?Flowey gave his signature monstrous grin as the speakers of Brian’s computer suddenly blasted his evil laugh at full volume.
Brian: o_o; *shakes it off* Alright, I think I’m losing my shit here...I’ll just turn this off and…*presses the button* ...? *presses it again*...Uhh…..Zeus..? *wildly presses the button* It’s not turning off!! *presses the button as hard as he can* WHY IS IT NOT TURNING OFF?!
Flowey: Ahhh, that’s rich...you think you’re in control...Oh, poor, deluded Brian. You
woke this demon.
Brian: Oh, fuck off,
you evil fuck plant! The last thing I need is to be ridiculed by some talking flower - who, by the way, got what was coming to him in the worst possible way.
>U> Hahahaha, yeah! What do you got to say about that? Hmmmm?Instead of replying, Flowey opened
Undertale for Brian, showing a black screen with the eerie howl of wind in the background. This was familiar...the ending Brian earned in the last session.
Flowey: If I recall...you didn’t end up much better off~
Brian: ...Oh...that’s right ._.;
Zeus: Alright, we’ve got better things to do than argue with a worthless flower. Let’s just toss this-
Flowey: Oooh, don’t think I forgot about you, Zoos~
Zeus: Hey, I didn’t play the game. I just watched. So you got nothing on me. Go ahead and say your nonsense. I’m a Parasite, and I’m above you. Nothing you say can phase me.Flowey just says nothing, letting a message appear on the screen.
Zeus:....Hah. Yeah. That’s what I tho-
???: Interesting. You want to go back. You want to go back to the world you destroyed.
Zeus: ? What in the...
Brian: Oooh, come on! I didn’t destroy it! I didn’t know!!!
???: It was you
who pushed everything to its edge. It was you
who led the world to its destruction.
Brian: N-No! That’s not true! I just thought I...I thought I was doing everything right!!
???: But you cannot accept
it. You think you are above consequences.Brian and Zeus stared at the screen in horror as the choice is presented: Yes or No.
Brian: O_O! I...I…
Zeus: Brian, don’t let this thing play you! We’ve done what we wanted to do. We reset the world! We escaped the hate!
Brian: Y-Yea... >=o You’re right! I don’t need some game to tell me how to do my job! I made a simple honest mistake. So I had to reset! UvU I just have to fix up my review and-Just then, Flowey opened Brian’s DeviantART page, revealing the complete review from before the reset, already posted in Sta.sh and ready for submission.
Brian: O_O YOU SON OF A VEGGIE-BITCH!!!
Flowey: Remember Brian, I
know what you did~ And I can make it happen again, and again, and again~With a growl, Brian slammed his fist on the table, glaring at Flowey.
Brian: THE HELL DO YOU WANT WITH ME, DAMMIT?! Clearly, you didn’t come here only to fucking mock me!
Zeus: And if you just wanted to set the shitstorm back in action, you’d have already posted the review. What are you up to?
Flowey: Simple~ I want you to give this a fair try… Play by this game’s rules.
Brian: Play Undertale
?! Again?! From the beginning?! B-but the original plan was to just say something different to make the review sound better! You want me to replay the entire game again?!
Flowey: Yes indeedy… Because if you don’t , then I’ll just repeat your mistake, right here and now~
Zeus: Listen here, you oversaturated fuck. We will
not be swayed by your petty little threats! You forget we have other methods - we can just jump into another computer and log in from there and delete the previous document! You won’t have anything against us!
Brian *facedesks*: ...Way to tell the enemy our plan, you fucking shitlord…On cue, the evil little flower’s face appears on every monitor in the Crimson HQ, playing his raucous, evil laughter throughout.
Zeus: ...Oops.And then the phone goes off...it’s Tsuneo.
Brian: ? *slowly reaches for it and answers it* H-Hello?
Tsuneo: BRIAN, WHAT THE FUCK
IS THIS!? WHY IS THAT HELLWEED ALL OVER THE DAMN BASE!?
; Uuhh... G-gimme a second, Tsuneo….Biting back a litany of curses, Brian covers the phone and whispers to Flowey.
Brian: Alright, fine!
You win - I’ll play the game all over again! I just don’t want anyone here in the base knowing about this! Keep this between you, me, and Zeus!
Flowey: Everyone in base knows I’m here now, so you’d better have a reason for that, Brian~
Flowey: Oh, and one other thing. Don’t think you can weasel your way out of this one, too. I’ll be taking the liberty of watching you~ So you better play it right, or you’ll know what’s going to happen~
Brian:.......I know you’ve heard this before, but I’m going to say it anyway...I really fucking hate you, Flowey…
Flowey: I believe it~! After all… *goes evil for a second* I know
what you have in you… *snaps back to “cute” mode* Have fuuun~With his “wink-and-tongue” gesture, Flowey returns the game to the forefront of the monitor, having skipped some dialogue in the interim.
???: ...Then, it is done.The game closes, with Flowey waiting on the screen.
Zeus: Are you
really gonna do this, Brian?
Brian: I have no choice, Zeus. Between Tsuneo and Flowey, I’ve learned my lesson; I didn’t play the game by the rules. I only went with what I thought
was the right choice...and now I’m suffering for it, even after I tried to get away from it. It seems that the one thing I can’t reset is the guilt…As Brian sat down, the game restarted. It does indeed look like a fresh save, but Flowey suddenly pops up inside the game window.
Flowey: And while I have little interest in your review, I suppose someone
will have to mention your little mistake for the sake of completeness~
Brian: Greeeeeaaaattt...so this means I’m forced to collaborate with someone I really fucking hate -_-;;;
Flowey: Oh, I don’t mean me,
you silly spider~Right on cue, Tsuneo bursts into the room, kicking the door off its hinges (and into Brian’s back).
Tsuneo: Well, if you hate me that
much, I may as well play Satan’s puppet here.
Zeus: ...Oh. That’s who you meant. Freaking figures.
Brian: W-wait! I didn’t mean you, Tsuneo! O_O I meant the bitch with petals!
Tsuneo: I know. I’m just using this as an excuse to be extra
dickish with this one~
Flowey: Have fun, you two~
Zeus: Yeah yeah, now get out of here before you find yourself on the business end of some giant hedge clippers.